Fear in Doing the Right Thing

 At 15 years old, I had my first job as a lifeguard. My first day happened to be on a day that it absolutely stormed. This happened to be the first and only time I was offered drugs in my life. I very quickly said no then lived the rest of the day in fear the police were going to show up and arrest me for being in the same vicinity as her little makeup bag full of drugs. I was over prepared in saying no to drugs, thanks to the millennial era of DARE etc. but I wasn't prepared for how it felt to do the right thing further than the action I had done at work. Long story short, I informed the President of my pool company and she was fired. I will never forget the nervous feeling of doing the right thing, knowing I could have to retell my story multiple times and I might have to face her. This feeling has resurfaced throughout my life, several times. Tuesday, the feeling decided to visit for the holidays. 

I haven't had the best communication with Leo's CPS Caseworker, despite my efforts. I did arrange to move his visit for Thanksgiving week for our travel plans. The caseworker decided she would pick him up from our home and do the home visit (that was to be done 3 months ago) all at the same time. I was anxious for this meeting to finally occur. We had kind of a lot going on that day and I was trying to keep his room clean. She told me she would be at our home by 10:00 AM, 10:15 at the latest. Both of those times came and went and still no caseworker. I texted her for an eta and she stated she wouldn't be there until 10:45, maybe and wanted him to be ready. 

I got Leo ready and in his car seat, with his visit bag waiting. He, Joy, and I went and waited outside, so that I could just hand him over. When the caseworker pulled up, her car was missing the right front end and was smashed, all of the windows down. Can you say anxiety spike?! I walked to the sidewalk and she met me. I handed her Leo in his car seat and held Joy. We stayed on the sidewalk. When she opened the door to put him in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks, marijuana. I thought surely, I'm making this up. Surely, this is not what I'm really smelling, it has to be PTSD from Joy's visit in June. Not having really any relationship with her, I wasn't comfortable asking questions and I knew I couldn't not send him. She left, and I called my social worker. 

If I haven't told you about my social worker yet... whew! She is ALOT, but I really appreciate her. She is a "Deadline Queen". While, I'm not wild about that, I do appreciate that she does the job she applied for to the best of her ability. She knows the policies and she will enforce them. She also will send emails on my behalf to supervisors so that I can keep good relationships with my kids' teams. In summary, she is a pain, but I really like her. I digress- I opened our conversation asking what the standard or policy was for transporting kids for visits. She kind of explained and I shared my concern of maybe the lady didn't have air conditioning and Leo is a sweater. She wasn't so concerned about the no air conditioning. when I brought up the marijuana, the whole tone changed. She asked me to send an email to her because she wanted it in writing and she warned me that this would ruffle feathers. I told her Leo's safety was my top concern. 

I decided to wait until he was safe at home before sending the email. I wanted to see if she had air conditioning, or if she was airing out her vehicle. I made sure I was outside when she got there. Patrick and Joy had run an errand and were on their way home. I prayed he got home before the caseworker. Alas, he didn't. The caseworker rolled in with her windows up, meaning she had air conditioning and my worst fear was the truth. She handed me Leo to bring in the house and she decided to stay outside until I could hold Four. (Four is our big dog. He is well trained, but can look scary and big.) She literally walked 5 steps into the house took a picture and left. Home visit over. 

We have a house cleaner that comes once a month and she happened to be cleaning. I didn't know what else to do, but I needed someone else to confirm my suspicion. Not having ever done drugs, for some reason, I doubt my nose. I blindly asked her to come smell Leo and his car seat and she confirmed, marijuana and cigarettes. After doing me this very odd favor, I explained why I asked her to smell him. She was horrified and rightly so. I then picked up my baby, and took him to his room. He was asleep, but I knew he would have to be changed out of his clothes as soon as he woke. While I rocked him during his nap, I crafted my email, expressing ALL my concerns, not just this one. 

I received a text later asking me to actually call it into CPS. I called it in, and the investigator called me the next day as we were pulling into my mother in law's home. The investigator said she had to come see him that day and asked for the address. I felt so bad that she was coming to my mother in law's, but what do you do?! Hours later, she came and heard all of my concerns. She shared that she happened to know my caseworker's supervisor and would be passing the case to someone else and would also be sending an email with all of my concerns because they are valid.

I have heard horror stories about these situations going awry. Sometimes CPS will retaliate and remove the child. Sometimes, the right thing is done and the caseworker is changed. I don't know what will happen here. The anxiety of what could happen is real. This is the fear of doing the right thing. 

As a Christian, I am called to cast my cares and worries onto Jesus. He takes care of everything big and small and has a master plan. I do believe that, with my whole heart. When I feed these lines sometimes to my preacher in response to a hard time I'm going through, he reminds me that I am still a human with a heart and sometimes, I'm going to feel these feelings of worry and anxiety and that's okay. I have an open line to the Creator that hears what I say and will have an answer. Pray for us and our Leo the Lion.